Re-Authoring Your Story

Last spring, in my "Theories of Counseling" course,  I was introduced to Adlerian Theory. In his theory, progress in  therapy was marked by changes in early childhood recollections.  I understood the theory-- enough to do well on the test.  But it wasn't until my "Student Affairs" course --which borrows from psychology and sociology -- this fall that I truly got it.  In one of my readings, we learned about "re-authoring your story".  According to this, a student reached maturity when they learned how to "re-author their story". It was then that I truly got it.  Here is my interpretation...

What does it mean to "re-author your story"?  Does the plot change?  Does the outcome of the villain change? Are chapters of the story wiped out? If only it were that easy...

When you re-author your story, you change the one aspect of the story that you can control. YOU.  When you read a novel, the author's voice sets the tone of the story.  The inflections of voice and reflections on occurrences, change how the story is told and how it is perceived to readers.  In life, the same holds true. Although you may not be able to rewrite your story, you do have the ability to re-author it.

I have learned that in life it is easy to play the role of the victim.  It is easy to focus on how life isn't fair and dwell on the hand you've been dealt.  But sadly, playing the victim doesn't get you anywhere in life. Why?  Because when you perceive yourself as being the victim of your circumstances, you relinquish all of your power.  Think about it. In every story you have read, when has the victim overcome their circumstances?  When they stopped wallowing in self-pity, and decided to do something.  They did what was hard.  They stopped being the victim.

It's easier said than done. I know.  Some have been dealt the hand of broken homes, great betrayal, abuse, and other horror stories.  But what are your choices?  Play the victim and subject yourself to further abuse.  (You've seen such stories on TV on shows like Intervention and in real life --your neighbors, your families, and in the reflection in  your mirror.) Or you can move forward with your life...

Too many times we seek healing in an apology that many times may never come.  The closure you seek is within yourself.  When I understood this, I finally got the saying, "You have to forgive others, not for them, but for yourself."  When you forgive, you take back that power that they once held over you.  When you forgive, you allow yourelf to move forward in life. Otherwise, you remain stuck. Because while you've been fixated on the pain that person inflicted, they moved on a long time ago. Probably the second after the occurrence.  While you remained stuck, their life went on.  Thus, you've given them power, far beyond the hurt they inflicted upon you.  When you forgive them, you take back that power. 

Re-authoring your story doesn't happen overnight.  It may take weeks, months, and in some cases ... years.  You will never forget the pain. But you can choose to stop inflicting pain upon yourself. You can stop using it as your excuse for your poor choices.  You can move on.  Otherwise, you will remain stuck.  I learned that lesson many years ago.  And I haven't looked back since.... (Maybe, every once in a while I'll take a glance. But, I've learned to not let it hold me back.)

Let's Discuss.

Vintage Post: Love Thyself

An important lesson I've learned in life is to love God, love myself... then love everyone else.  Too many times we don't love the skin we're in and we search for solace in clothes, men (women, for you guys out there), hair, makeup, [insert your vice here].

Often, we start the journey of self-love from the outside in.  That's the premise of "What Not To Wear" on TLC. The fashion victims didn't feel they were worthy enough, thin enough, or pretty enough for nice clothing.  So they matched their self-loathing with frumpy clothes.  With a catharsis of their wardrobe, and a renewal of makeup, hair, and clothing...the journey just begins.

But although the journey can start there, we have to be weary of being stuck there.  Using the guise of makeup and hair, to feign self-love doesn't fool anyone. (Cue Heidi Montag. 10 procedures, one day.)

Let's be honest. Self-loathing is self-destructive.  It is a magnet for people who will undervalue and take advantage of you. Trust me. I know.  I spent my entire life being the scrawny nerd, who could clean up well every once in a while.  By my freshman year in college, I finally figured out how to fix the outside.  But working on the underlying layers took a lot longer.  I attracted the type of guys that I mentioned before. They saw my vulnerability and like vultures they  pounced on their prey.

I pass on this lesson, not because I'm bitter.  I'm not.  I've grown immensely because of my life experiences.  I wouldn't erase even the dark times, if it will get me to the point where I am today.  I say this because, before you make any resolution... you need to tackle this one first.  You can't be loved the way you want to, or love the way you want to...until you love yourself. 

Vintage Post: Standards of Beauty

Who defines our standards of beauty?

How often do we (especially us ladies) let those standards define us?

According to the standards of beauty, thin is better than thick; straight hair is better than nappy curly; blonde is better than brunette; lighter skin is better than dark (unless it is a tan); big boobs are better than small boobs, etc. etc. Who came up with this crap and why do we fall for it? It is no wonder that women are susceptible to disorders like depression and bulimia/anorexia!

As I’ve grown older, I’ve discovered my true beauty. Quite honestly, I didn’t think I was beautiful during my teenage years. (Who does?) I was the scrawny girl with buck teeth, a flat chest, and nappy thick hair. It was difficult to see my true beauty when I was constantly chastised for my awkward experience. By college, I blossomed. I fixed my exterior. I gained some weight, straightened my teeth, fell in love with my small but perky boobs, and tamed my thick hair.

As I approach the age of 28, I’m transitioning to setting my own standards of beauty. I don’t want to love myself in spite of my flaws; I want to love myself because of them. Or at least what society deems as flaws. I want to pursue what I see as beautiful.

Vintage Post: Standards of Beauty - Nappy Like Me

An old school pic of me taking my lil sis to a high school dance.  We both rodded our hair.  I styled her hair into a cute coif.

I was a teenager when I was first introduced to the book, "Black Like Me" by John Howard Griffin. I was watching an episode of "Boy Meets World" [don't act like you didn't watch it too], when Mr. Feeney presented the book in class. The book is the chronicle of a white male journalist who took anti-vitiligo drugs to live as a black man for six weeks in the segregated south. I was intrigued by the storyline and immediately ventured to the bookstore. [If you've never read it, I strongly recommend that you add it to your summer reading list.]

The lesson learned from this book is that you never truly understand a person’s story until you walk a day in their shoes. You hear the “inside” conversations of their peer group and internalize how “outsiders” [you or others who look like you] treat them.

A few years ago, I had a “Nappy Like Me” experience, while attending a conference for an organization that works to improve college access for inner-city youths. As you can imagine, there were many pro-active, intelligent young professionals in attendance. At the time, I was on one of my anti-relaxer (no chemical straightening) bouts. For months, I was growing out my natural hair so I tightly rodded my hair [a much tighter curl than above].

While conversing with a young man (with a short, curly afro) he stated, “It’s great to see black women who appreciate their natural hair. Women with relaxers and weaves lack self-confidence and are uncomfortable with who they are.” What/! Is he talking about me? I lack self-confidence? Is that how “naturals” view me?

TO BE CONTINUED… (I embark on my natural journey…AGAIN)

In the meantime...have you ever wondered how other social groups view you? Have you ever wanted to be an insider to get the “real” scoop?