Re-Authoring Your Story

Last spring, in my "Theories of Counseling" course,  I was introduced to Adlerian Theory. In his theory, progress in  therapy was marked by changes in early childhood recollections.  I understood the theory-- enough to do well on the test.  But it wasn't until my "Student Affairs" course --which borrows from psychology and sociology -- this fall that I truly got it.  In one of my readings, we learned about "re-authoring your story".  According to this, a student reached maturity when they learned how to "re-author their story". It was then that I truly got it.  Here is my interpretation...

What does it mean to "re-author your story"?  Does the plot change?  Does the outcome of the villain change? Are chapters of the story wiped out? If only it were that easy...

When you re-author your story, you change the one aspect of the story that you can control. YOU.  When you read a novel, the author's voice sets the tone of the story.  The inflections of voice and reflections on occurrences, change how the story is told and how it is perceived to readers.  In life, the same holds true. Although you may not be able to rewrite your story, you do have the ability to re-author it.

I have learned that in life it is easy to play the role of the victim.  It is easy to focus on how life isn't fair and dwell on the hand you've been dealt.  But sadly, playing the victim doesn't get you anywhere in life. Why?  Because when you perceive yourself as being the victim of your circumstances, you relinquish all of your power.  Think about it. In every story you have read, when has the victim overcome their circumstances?  When they stopped wallowing in self-pity, and decided to do something.  They did what was hard.  They stopped being the victim.

It's easier said than done. I know.  Some have been dealt the hand of broken homes, great betrayal, abuse, and other horror stories.  But what are your choices?  Play the victim and subject yourself to further abuse.  (You've seen such stories on TV on shows like Intervention and in real life --your neighbors, your families, and in the reflection in  your mirror.) Or you can move forward with your life...

Too many times we seek healing in an apology that many times may never come.  The closure you seek is within yourself.  When I understood this, I finally got the saying, "You have to forgive others, not for them, but for yourself."  When you forgive, you take back that power that they once held over you.  When you forgive, you allow yourelf to move forward in life. Otherwise, you remain stuck. Because while you've been fixated on the pain that person inflicted, they moved on a long time ago. Probably the second after the occurrence.  While you remained stuck, their life went on.  Thus, you've given them power, far beyond the hurt they inflicted upon you.  When you forgive them, you take back that power. 

Re-authoring your story doesn't happen overnight.  It may take weeks, months, and in some cases ... years.  You will never forget the pain. But you can choose to stop inflicting pain upon yourself. You can stop using it as your excuse for your poor choices.  You can move on.  Otherwise, you will remain stuck.  I learned that lesson many years ago.  And I haven't looked back since.... (Maybe, every once in a while I'll take a glance. But, I've learned to not let it hold me back.)

Let's Discuss.

Vintage Post: The BIG Chop

[October 16, 2010]

After work, I decided I'd finally had enough. On a whim, I called my hairdresser and requested a cut.  An hour later, all of the relaxed ends were gone.  Now the true journey begins.  My hubby doesn't like it.  My neighbor said that if he misses two haircuts, his hair will look like mine. Nonetheless, I LOVE my hair.

Vintage Post: Standards of Beauty - Nappy Like Me

An old school pic of me taking my lil sis to a high school dance.  We both rodded our hair.  I styled her hair into a cute coif.

I was a teenager when I was first introduced to the book, "Black Like Me" by John Howard Griffin. I was watching an episode of "Boy Meets World" [don't act like you didn't watch it too], when Mr. Feeney presented the book in class. The book is the chronicle of a white male journalist who took anti-vitiligo drugs to live as a black man for six weeks in the segregated south. I was intrigued by the storyline and immediately ventured to the bookstore. [If you've never read it, I strongly recommend that you add it to your summer reading list.]

The lesson learned from this book is that you never truly understand a person’s story until you walk a day in their shoes. You hear the “inside” conversations of their peer group and internalize how “outsiders” [you or others who look like you] treat them.

A few years ago, I had a “Nappy Like Me” experience, while attending a conference for an organization that works to improve college access for inner-city youths. As you can imagine, there were many pro-active, intelligent young professionals in attendance. At the time, I was on one of my anti-relaxer (no chemical straightening) bouts. For months, I was growing out my natural hair so I tightly rodded my hair [a much tighter curl than above].

While conversing with a young man (with a short, curly afro) he stated, “It’s great to see black women who appreciate their natural hair. Women with relaxers and weaves lack self-confidence and are uncomfortable with who they are.” What/! Is he talking about me? I lack self-confidence? Is that how “naturals” view me?

TO BE CONTINUED… (I embark on my natural journey…AGAIN)

In the meantime...have you ever wondered how other social groups view you? Have you ever wanted to be an insider to get the “real” scoop?